Bucket List

This past Tuesday night Natalee and I drove down to SLC for a KSL radio interview. Since it's "National Eating Disorder Week" we talked a lot about self-image, and played our song "Deadly Beauty. We had a fantastic time, and the DJ’s were hilarious as always! Afterwards, we split pizza and salad while laughing, and mocking each other’s responses. (Our poor waiter! haha) Our best friends Geoff, Pat, Chels, and Abby joined us, and we all found ourselves dancing until 2:00 in the morning! It was an unexpectedly fun night that inspired us to create more memorable moments.

Two days prior Natalee and I decided to make a bucket list after watching Oprah interview Tony Robins. She had attended one of his seminars, and at the end everyone walked across burning coals. It was not only hilarious, but inspiring. We added coal walking to our list, along with other random things we are going to start doing here in our small town. One "experience" on our list was driving USU students to their classes. We had always joked about it, but life is too short to live in the "Someday."

That meant getting up at 5:00. We stopped for coffee at our favorite latte trailer, and headed for Logan. We watched the sunrise and listened to our album! That's a lie- we didn't do much listening… instead we laughed and conversed through our alter ego's  (me-Karl with a K Stickles, and Natalee- Willfred Fillmore) When we got into town we stopped and got donuts… then began our search for pedestrians wearing backpacks. (It was around this time I realized I left my purse in Salt Lake!)

I would have to say that the reaction from people getting in a black H3 with two girls offering to take them ANYWHERE was pretty priceless. I wish we had taken a camera to film it, but we didn't anticipate the hilarity that morning would offer! We made quite a few friends, and fed a lot of starving students. We got our dance on, and definitely enjoyed being out of our element! It felt good to break the routine! Sometimes you just need little things to remind you that your heart is beating, you're breathing, and that anything can happen!! Because it can! So far I'm loving this bucket list thing… it reminds me to live in possibility, instead of probability! 

 Can't wait to cross off next week’s "Bucket List Experience!" Hell Yeah!!!

"Rescuing Hug"

Sometimes you just can't do it yourself. Sometimes your level of self-hatred runs so deep that doing anything good in your life seems like a privilege that you don't deserve. Sometimes you veer so far off the beaten path that you become accustomed to blazing an unnecessary trail. You don't feel worthy of balance, or of having your "shit" together. A life of happiness seems like a house made of clouds. A nice idea, but not quite a stable reality. Sometimes you need another person to see that you are talented enough, pretty enough, smart enough, just… good enough. Sometimes you need another person to believe in you, because you just can't believe in yourself. That person for me is my sister Natalee.

 

I don't know how she did it, but she managed to stand still amidst my past chaos of a life.  She's been the eye of my tornado, the roll bar to my tumbling go-kart, and the handle of a fishing pole -reeling me in when my line cast too far out. I have no doubt in my mind that if she wasn't here, I wouldn't be either. She has saved me over, and over, and over again. We've been through everything together, and I am so blessed to be going through this crazy thing called life with my best friend! 

 

A while back she showed me a picture of  the "rescuing hug." She came after one of my many "close calls" to talk some sense into me. She told me the story  about the twin babies in the picture. They were put together in an incubator after one was expected die. When they were together the healthier of the two put an arm around her sister, and the smaller baby's heart rate stabilized. She couldn't really make it through the story, because we both started sobbing hysterically.  It doesn't matter what it is… but when one of us starts crying - the other one follows. She's always been the one with her arm wrapped around me, and i'm getting stronger because of her! 

 

I love you Nat! 

"Deadly Beauty" NEDA Ambassador Contract!

Today was a fantastic day in all realms of life! I'm just about to meet with my family to toast to the signing of a contract that means so much to me! Natalee and I are now “officially” ambassadors for NEDA. (National Eating Disorder Association) and I couldn't be more grateful for this opportunity to heal others through music. It's been a long journey to be this person that I am today… much longer than I’d like to admit. I'm not who I once was, I no longer think they way I once thought, and I no longer make the self-destructive decisions I chose to make once upon a time. Thank God!

 

I've found life is worth living, when you choose to let yourself just be YOURSELF, and not who someone else wants you to be. Changes don't happen over night, but they DO happen! I'm so inspired to help others come to the realization that they are good enough. Right now! Exactly as they are! We can never add to, or take away from our essence… and I hope that one day we will define, and live by our own version of beauty. It is my personal belief that if we had a world of people who truly loved themselves, then we'd have a more loving world. 

 

I'm beyond exited to produce a new version of our song "Deadly Beauty" with Jason Deere (The first producer I ever worked with) He taught me everything I know about songwriting, and has been my biggest musical mentor! In about a week we'll be working with him in Nashville on our new album, as well as a new single version of "Deadly Beauty." We plan to create a powerful video that will hopefully impact as many people as the song has. I'm so excited about this partnership, and am looking forward to the upcoming NEDA concerts! 2012 is just beginning to unfold, and I have a feeling it's the start of an amazing journey! 

 

***Please check out, support, and share these incredible sites! ***

NEDA

http://www.facebook.com/NationalEatingDisordersAssociationNEDA

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

Helpline Number: 800.931.2237

NEDA FOR TEENS

http://www.facebook.com/Proud2BmeUSA  

http://www.proud2Bme.org

Positive Affirmations

Anytime i'm sad, or just having a tough day... I read a few affirmations, and start to feel better:)

I LOVE you, Goodbye...

Maybe we made a pact in heaven before this life…to come down and help each other’s souls grow to a depth unimaginable. Your love strengthened me, and completely broke me all at the same time. You broke who I thought I was, and all the shattered pieces revealed the person I really am, but neglected to see. You showed me every area where I WASN’T loving myself. My every insecurity was so highlighted in your presence that the unbearable feeling of  “I’m not good enough” forced me back to GOD. It forced me back to the realization that no matter what I do, what I say, what I look like, how much money I make, or what my career is… that NONE of that is me. For I am a piece of the DIVINE, and you merely helped me remember that.

Nothing of the EGO, or material world can compare to the sheer magnificence of my being. It was an incredible awakening to realize that I’m NOT this body, rather the LIGHT it carries. I forgot that, and I’ve wanted to hate you for showing me…but in truth I just love you more. I’m ready to release you to your highest good, and forgive you for not being what I wanted you to be. I created a dream that you were apart of, but I must realize it’s STILL my dream… even if you aren’t in it anymore. Your role may be over, but I’m willing to be okay with that. I loved you beyond this life. My soul loved you, still does, and always will.

You don’t know this, but you led me home. You reminded me that I’m greater than who I chose to be when I was with you. You reminded me of my innocence, purity, compassion, and divinity. Those are things that can never be lost, for they remain of the heart, not of the body. With relationships I’m learning that GOD doesn’t send you perfect people, he sends you people that will help you grow. People who will offer you lessons in learning your own perfection. People who are angels in disguise. You were my angel. Sometimes those lessons we learn feel like the most awful experiences, but in truth they are blessings…showing us all the ways we were not LOVING ourselves.

I didn’t love myself, and that’s why I thought I needed you to love me. I looked to you for everything I wasn’t giving myself. Love, attention, happiness, validation, trust, faith etc. I needed you to see me, but really it was ME who needed to see me. I’m sorry I put such a heavy burden of expectation on you. I only needed you because I didn’t think I could need me. I didn’t trust that I was enough alone, but now I know that I’ve always been strong enough, pretty enough, smart enough… just good enough as I AM! You weren’t responsible for my happiness, or my sadness. I’m sorry I thought you were.

I love you so much, and I always will, but I’m willing to release you so that I can release myself. I’m ready to free my heart of the heavy burden it has carried. I’m ready to feel alive again, truly alive. I’m ready to accept God’s plan, and open my arms to a new love. You triggered things in me I never wanted to face, but I HAD to in order for me to really grow into my highest self. There are still times when I want to find the nearest bush to throw up in when I see you with someone else, but I’m giving you to God. I choose to release this resentment towards you. You played a bigger role in my life than you’ll ever know. I realized I can’t hate you, for you gave me the greatest gift I’ve ever received.

-The gift of myself!